As our loyal readers know well, we at TV Fiends are gay friendly — and some of us are just outright gay. So, since May 23 was what amounts to Gay Thanksgiving this year, we had a live through a lot of excitement on Monday.
We love the day that www.AfterElton.com releases its Hot 100 list of the planet’s best looking men (WITH PICTURES). Our beloved editor, Jenn (the Anna Wintour of blogging) called down from her office on the 84th floor of One TV Fiends Plaza (the penthouse, course) to check on a project we are working on. Needless to say we basically were incoherent — we were blinded by the beauty on the AfterElton Hot 100 list. We don’t know what she was saying when she called or how we responded — there was too much gorgeous distracting us on the www.AfterElton.com Hot 100 list right at the moment the phone rang.
You might expect the Anna Wintour of blogging to snap our spines for being distracted when she wanted to know something that we couldn’t concentrate on. We understand why some of you may be confused by the fact that we can still type so soon after having an incoherent conversation with the esteemed maven of all things TV. We will remind you of something that explains this: A LIST OF THE HOTTEST MEN ON THE PLANET (WITH PICTURES) on www.AfterElton.com!!!!!
We love the www.AfterElton.com Hot 100 list because we like looking at hot men. Jenn likes to participate in our joy. She was just as happy as we were once we explained our distraction was caused by pictures of arguably the world’s hottest men on www.AfterElton.com.
We HIGHLY recommend that all TV Fiends readers go over to www.AfterElton.com and take a look at the Hot 100 list. You won’t regret it. Women and gay men: it’s glorious. Straight men: it will get you to the gym, and show you what a real man can look like if he cares about his appearance. Lesbians: you can just get swept up in our joy — because there is a lot of it.
But we’re a TV blog, so we’re going to concentrate on the TV Hotties. We are not spoilers at TV Fiends, so we’re not going to give away who is No. 1 on the www.AfterElton.com Hot 100 list. We’ll just say, we don’t agree. He is on a TV show that we have loved (so we feel grounded in our ability to pass judgment over his selection), but we’re just not of a mind that he rates the No. 1 slot.
What that means is we need to reorder the www.AfterElton.com Hot 100 list for the top 17 TV hotties.
Did we mention how much we love Gay Thanksgiving?
Here is our list of the top 17 TV hotties as anticipated by the www.AfterElton.com Hot 100 (go look at their list, too!) with personal notes to each:
17. Dear Cory Monteith (a/k/a Glee’s Finn Hudson): Dude, you are so hot. Why did we watch Glee that first time? Because we were flipping through channels and stopped on a camera shot of you: “Who’s that?” We’ve been hooked since. You are so hot, Cory.
16. Dear Cheyenne Jackson (a/k/a 30 Rock’s Danny Baker, among others): Dude, you are so hot. But we don’t just like you because you are hot — which you are.We like the fact that you are an out gay actor who can win roles that are gay or straight. Your profession should not be limited to one type of role just because of your sexuality — and you haven’t let it. We really appreciate that at TV Fiends.
15. Dear Matt Bomer (a/k/a White Collar’s Neal Caffrey): Dude, you are so hot. But, honestly, we started to leave you off the list. You are major eye candy, to be sure. We LOVE that. Yet, we think you want to come out of the closet, but just can’t make the commitment. We’re not down with that. Get some courage, dude. If you wanted to tell people/reporters to stay out of your bedroom, that your sexuality is none of their business, we’d be okay with that, too. We’d be right by your side. But that’s not what you do. When the subject came up with Details magazine once you responded, “I have a network and a show riding on my shoulders.” That’s pretty whiny, Matt. We would have cheered had you said, “F— off, that’s my personal business.” But you didn’t say that. You may be gay, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have balls. Use them. Either admit you are gay, or tell people to get the f* out of your bedroom altogether. We are not loving this whiny middle you are dwelling in. You’re going to thank us for this tough love. We really want to be with you. Because, dude, you are so hot.
14. Dear Jake Silberman (a/k/a As the World Turns’ Noah Mayer): Dude, you are so hot. We also love that you are part of daytime TV’s first all-male super couple. Much respect for that. And for your parents, because they made you so hot.
13. Dear Tom Welling (a/k/a Smallville’s Clark Kent): Dude, you are so hot. We’ve always had a Superman thing going, and your ten years as Clark took it to a new level. We also like that you seem to be a good guy.
12. Dear Scott Caan (a/k/a Hawaii 5.0′s Danny “Danno” Williams): Dude, you are so hot. We’ve always kind of liked your father, actor James Caan, but because his genes made you, we have all kinds of new respect for your dad. Danno, you can come book me for some sexyfuntime at your leisure. I’m waiting.
11. Dear Matthew Morrison (a/k/a Glee’s Will Schuester): Dude, you are so hot. We had a disagreement about you with Jenn — she and a contingent of TV Fienders are not huge fans of your face. We and another couturier of TV Fienders are huge fans of your face. We all decided we can concentrate on your abs as a source of consensus, so keep showing them to us. We ALL love them.
10. Dear Luke Macfarlane (a/k/a Brothers and Sisters’ Scotty Wandell): Dude, you are so hot. You’re so hot we can’t concentrate to write anything else. We need to move on, otherwise we never will.
9. Dear Anderson Cooper (of CNN): Dude, you are so hot. You are the opposite of Matt Bomer to us. You basically tell people to get the heck out of your personal life. You don’t whine about the questions, you just move on to the next story. And you do a damn good job of just being the newsman you want to be known as. We respect that, Anderson, and we at TV Fiends respect you. Stay classy, big guy.
8. Dear Neil Patrick Harris (a/k/a gay icon): Dude, you are so hot. But you are also one of the most awesome gay men alive. You and Nate are doing more than just about any other gay couple alive to make gay look like utter normalcy. You’re totally hot, NPH, but you also have earned the right for us to call you, “Sir.”
7. Dear Thomas Roberts (of MSNBC): Dude, you are so hot. You are in your late 30s and don’t have an ounce of untoned fat on your body. We think your day job as an MSNBC anchor is a cover for your real gig as a member of SEAL Team Six.
6. Dear Prince Harry (of the Royal Wedding): Dude, you are so hot. We know we’re pushing it, but we refuse to have a list of hot men that doesn’t include the world’s HOTTEST ginger, Harry Wales. That red hair, the randy attitude, the soldiering gig — goodness gracious everything about you, Harry, is too hot to handle. But do us a favor, dump the girlfriend (we refuse to make her any more famous by using her name). You’re better than her. You are now out of William’s shadow — the bald spot + the hotter-than-him wife + the hotter-than-him sister-in-law make him not-hot by association. Harry, you have the hottest-royal title all sown up, now. Go get a woman that proves it. (Hey, Pippa, let us pay for you to go out to dinner with Harry. Is there a Chipotle in London? Our treat!)
5. Dear Jon Hamm (a/k/a Don Draper … a/k/a Dick Whitman): Dude, you are so hot. You are classically American hot. You are the standard for balls-to-the-wall, Made in the U.S.A hot — like a vintage Corvette. You are hot the way every good American man wants to be hot.
4. Dear Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki (a/k/a the dudes of Supernatural): Dudes, you are so hot. We know we should have separated the two of you, but we just couldn’t do it. We have loved Jensen forever (he was on Days of Our Lives back in the day), but when the two of you come together it is pure magic. We don’t want to see you two apart — EVER. We love looking at you two side by side. Your solo beauty is synergistically unstoppable when combined. Just stay together, beside one and other, forever. That’s how we like looking at you. Damn, you two are hot.
3. Dear Henry Cavill (a/k/a The Tutor’s Charles Brandon, the Duke of Suffolk): Dude, you are so hot. We were glued to The Tudors before we came out of the closet. People thought we just liked period pieces. Nope … it was you. We do love superhero movies, so we had to be revived when we heard you were the new Superman. Just stay pretty, ok?
2. Dear Alexander Skarsgård (a/k/a Generation Kill’s Sgt. Brad “Iceman” Colbert and True Blood’s Eric Northman): Dude, you are nuclear hot. We can’t talk about you rationally. We like you in True Blood, but your performance as Iceman in Generation Kill is one of the reason’s we had to come out of the closest. Not because Iceman was gay — he wasn’t — but because you are so hot, we knew we couldn’t go through the mental charade anymore of trying to convince ourselves that we wanted to be straight. If there are men who look like you in the world, we knew we were pretty much going to need to admit that we are gay. Yes, you are that hot.
1. Dear Mark Salling (a/k/a Glee’s Noah “Puck” Puckerman): Dude, you are sunspot hot. This is an upset. You should be No. 2 and Alexander Skarsgård should be No. 1, but the faux hawk put us over the top. We have a bit of a thing for dirty white boys (metaphorically speaking) at TV Fiends, and that faux hawk got to us. Don’t ever clean up, Mark. We like you just the rakish, dirty boy you are.
OK, loyal TV Fiends readers, now go check out the www.AfterElton.com Hot 100 list. We didn’t include it’s rankings on this page because we don’t want to spoil the surprises over there. Tell us what you think of out Hot TV 17, too.
One more time to the honorees: Dudes, you are all so hot. Thanks for that.